A BRAIN DUMP

I haven’t written about my mental health in a long time. A lot of people don’t know that a big part of why I started this blog was to write about mental health and share my personal experience with depression and suicidal ideation, with the hopes of letting other people who can relate know that they’re not alone.

This is deeply personal, but I’m choosing to publish it. I poured out how I’m feeling. I hope I don’t make you too sad ❤️🫂.

I feel so stuck in a rut that I don’t know how to get out of. I know the answer is to go to therapy, because then I can talk about everything and get some helpful advice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been in therapy in over a year. Find me the motivation and strength to go back.

A lot of times, when I’m alone, I cry a lot. It’s just so exhausting. Like, does it ever stop? I hate it so much. I haven’t been able to talk about it because it’s just too much. I just… I don’t like being that vulnerable with people. It’s like stripping yourself bare and letting someone see the realest parts. Do you know people have their own problems? A lot of people would not get it. Some people might just be reaching out to have access to that information about you, not because they really care.

I feel like I’ve been in a depression episode for so long that it’s almost feeling like it’s unending. Like, I have moments of happiness where I enjoy the distraction that comes with being outside. I’ll be with people, and because I get hyper and so full of life, I get lost in the good moments. But those happy moments, compared to the moments where I feel like I’m drowning, are so few and it’s been happening for a while now.

Also, it takes a while to be able to, like, break down your walls and let someone in like that, especially when you’ve dealt with disappointments and you’ve seen how unreliable people can be. A lot of people just want access to you sexually. They don’t really care. So, it’s so easy to resort to not expecting much from people or not bothering to talk to them.

A part of me likes to wait it out when I’m going through it, but then, when it’s taking too long, it starts to feel like I’m running out of time. Like, the fuck? Time doesn’t wait for you when you’re not okay. Life goes on, and then you realize nobody is coming to save you. But then, where is the motivation to save yourself? Where is the strength? It’s crazy!

You might try to show up for others, or try to, like, have something doing every day, but then still, you’re drowning. You feel like you’re drowning in the ocean, and although you’re trying so hard to stay alive, as the days go by, it only gets worse. You are just going deeper. You feel like your soul needs a big, long hug. You’re not okay. You need to talk. You need to let it all out. You need some sort of direction.

I hate depression with every fiber of my being. It’s the rawest part of me that I don’t like talking about because I’m a crybaby. Talking about it would result in me bawling my eyes out, and I don’t like when people see me cry. I like being the happy one.

And you know, I’m so good with talking to people and motivating them to keep holding on. Sometimes, when I’m talking to people who are going through it, I say a lot of helpful things, and a part of me yells at me to listen to it too.

I was at the beach a few days ago with my friends. I was so lost in thought, and it dawned on me. I was like, oh my God. I’m tired! Whatever this episode is, can it just end already? I do not see an end in sight. Like and that is the problem. It’s like you’re just stuck. You’re stuck in there. You don’t know what to do.

I feel like going to the beach alone, to take a walk, to let it all out. I’ve been drowning for so long and I’m tired. It can be so exhausting, okay? This life! I hate it!

If you’ve read this far, thank you for holding space for me. I know this was a lot, but please don’t worry too much about me. I’ll be fine. I just needed to let it out.

I’m still figuring things out, still trying to find my strength, and sometimes writing is my way of breathing. I just hope that if you’ve ever felt like this too, you know you’re not alone.

With love,

Ami❤️