SEX-AS-DISTRACTION-compressor

USING SEX AS A DISTRACTION/COPING MECHANISM

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Since I’m known to speak my truth both on this website and my podcast, I felt the need to write this post. Earlier this year, I ‘kinda’ hit rock bottom and it was hard. You know how you can be going through the worst and absolutely no one knows what exactly is going on with you? That was me and I planned to kill myself so many times. I was at my ‘lowest’ lowest and I shut people out. The only times I was out and seen to be happy, it was because I’d made use of something to keep me distracted.

If you know me and you’re reading this, you will get what I mean because I just wasn’t available to be talked to like I usually am when I am okay. I consistently told people who would want to talk that I was going through it but I don’t think they could see how bad it was. Even my roommate couldn’t tell, and I was living with her. When you are so used to dealing with the hardest things that hit you alone, it’s very hard to let other people in. I’d rather write than talk to someone about it.

I remember once, I was in my room and I was sitting on the bare floor. I couldn’t take it any longer. I was tired and I drafted a suicide note. It wasn’t a long note, it was just brief. I felt like I needed to apologize to the few people who’d shown that they cared about me. I wept while typing and it would’ve been a very pathetic sight to anyone if they’d walked in on me that moment. I was naked, on the floor and I was weeping and feeling so helpless. I didn’t go through with the plan to kill myself though. If I had, I wouldn’t be writing this. The thing is, I wanted to live. Deep down, I didn’t want to die. I was looking to be saved but who was going to save me? I had to do it myself.

I need to mention this! I am a lover of escapism. When things get hard or I feel myself going down that depression road, I look for something to keep me distracted. I used alcohol a lot when I was in school. I would just go to a bar, get a drink, feel okay, and sleep after. It really helps but earlier this year, I didn’t want to drink. Alcohol doesn’t keep me distracted for long. I only resort to it to help me get through the day or night but what I was going through wasn’t a ‘day’ thing. It lasted weeks, so I had to find something else, SEX!

Sex can be great and excellent if you play it safe and you don’t catch an STI.

I find it easy to let go and get lost in the moment during sex, so it made so much sense for me to use it as a coping mechanism.

USING SEX

All I needed was a sexual partner who understood my needs and desperately wanted to please me. I’d meet someone and if he couldn’t give me exactly that, I’d leave and find another who would. He had to make it easy for me to get lost in his world, else it would’ve been pointless.

When I found one, I would go over and we’d have sex after going out, watching a movie, talking or just chilling. Those moments helped me stay distracted and although there were no feelings or emotions attached, I appreciated them for keeping me afloat. It was never about the person I was with or what he wanted, it was about me needing that moment to stay alive and I could be so intense. The sex had to be extremely passionate and I needed my kinks engaged for it to work.

It was impossible to feel lonely in those moments and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be talked to, I needed to feel desired and I needed to enjoy every bit of the moment. If it isn’t fun and you are unable to let go completely, it will fail to give you the results you seek. You need to be left wanting more and you’ll want to live the subsequent days reminiscing about it.

I would go to work with hickeys on my neck and I would always look forward to having sex at the end of the day. My sex drive went through the roof and I loved it. I would go to the sexual partner’s place and if I felt comfortable, I would be there for days. You just had to let me know when you wanted me around and I would be there till I had to leave.

I was always looking for that chance to get lost in sex.

THE PROBLEM WITH THIS

Sex isn’t considered a good coping mechanism. It just lets you avoid your problems instead of dealing with them.

It’s so easy to get lost in a good moment where you can live like your problems are nonexistent, but it doesn’t last forever. When you are finally done with the sex, you will still have to go back home, and you will meet your problems waiting for you. In that case, what do you do? Do you face them head-on or do you leave again and get lost in another sexual moment?

I realized how bad it was when I would feel lonelier anytime I got back home because I was still going through it. The thing is, when you have that ‘sexual’ company, everything feels amazing and your problems seem nonexistent. Your sexual partner fills the void until the moment is over and they have to leave or you have to go back to the way things were. That switch can make you feel worse off. You will feel empty once again and it can take you farther down the depression road.

Truth is, you can resort to sex sometimes when you need to escape because you are either too stressed or in no place to deal with your issues. In that case, when you wake up the next morning or days after, and you feel better, you can go ahead to work on your problems. That’s a healthy way to go about it. If not, it might just push you towards a path of addiction and recklessness.

Imagine going out to look for someone for sex every single day because you need it to stay distracted. Imagine! I don’t know if you can ever find a partner who’ll be available to have sex with you 24/7. So what do you do? Do you find someone new every single time one person is unavailable? Won’t that be too wild? And how does that help your situation when your problems remain unsolved?

It takes a lot for a person to have control over using sex as a coping mechanism because it’s so easy for you to end up in a worst place than you were before the sex happened.

THE RIGHT THING TO DO:

Find a healthier coping mechanism, stick to that, and only use sex in one-off situations to help you stay distracted. It could be cooking, writing/journaling, going for long walks, crying, watching movies, or screaming. You can always find something healthy enough and you will be fine.

Life is hard sometimes but it gets better. Have you ever used sex to fill a void? Do you ever resort to sex to stay distracted when there’s just too much going on? Always remember to stay safe, don’t catch an STI and don’t get yourself or anyone pregnant if you are in no place to raise a baby.

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MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE, WRITER, SEX AND RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

Ami Shikah is a sex educator and mental health advocate. She is passionate about sex education and is working towards making her website/blog a place where people come to for knowledge and information that will help them make healthy decisions about sex and sexuality. Mental health isn't treated with much importance in her part of the world (Ghana, Africa) and as someone who has had to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, she hopes to share her experiences with the world and help other people like her. She has in-depth knowledge about sex, sexual health, sexuality, vaginal health, pregnancy and abortion and is working to share it all with the world. She has also made it possible for people to ask questions and get answers to them anytime.

2 Comments

  1. Great piece and great courage for sharing though, am glad you later on realized how sex wasn’t the solution, I just hope you find a more long term coping mechanism, or better still a permanent solution to the issues you facing, we all need someone, I pray the right person finds you or you find the right person.

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