Have you ever found yourself in a no-label situation (relationship) that you never planned on getting yourself into? Did you feel stranded because you wanted more but couldn’t expect shit because your partner wasn’t obliged to do nothing other make you have a good time sexually?

You’re not alone. I’ve been there!

Several other women have been there and in this post, I’m going to explain to you how to avoid getting in that hurtful, frustrating place again.

FIRST THING: Always decide what you want when/ before you start talking to anyone.

If you start talking and you see them as someone you can entertain for a longer time, you should find out what they want from you by asking these questions on the onset:

  • What do you want from me?
  • Are you looking for a relationship?
  • Is it sex you want?
  • Or do you want friendship?

Asking the above questions should make it easy for him to come clean with his intentions and if it is in line with yours, you can just go with it. If not, let him go.

It is always safe to do this as early as possible when there is very little or no emotional attachment or enough feelings caught to make it hard to let go. You don’t want to also not talk or define things before getting intimate or having sex a number of times.

Most women let things spiral out of control before bringing up the “What are we?” question and usually, they wind up disappointed when they find out the man has gotten too comfortable with the no-label situation.

Waiting or setting the bar that low makes men really comfortable and it is usually so hard to get them out of that comfort zone because you gave them access to many things or all the things they would want or expect from an actual girlfriend or wife. You never pushed them to that point of making a decision as to what they’d have to do to be with you.

Now, this is why there’s a need to define things as early as possible. Know where you stand in each other’s lives, be on the same page and that way, no one winds up hurt. It’s as simple as that

This also applies to women who have already had sex or gone too far intimately on the first few dates. It is fine! You both got carried away and had sex. That is okay but what do you want? Do you want to just keep fucking? Did he make his intentions clear? Do you want more?

The above questions can leave you confused. I’ve been there and it isn’t pleasant at all.

You know what happens to most women? They experience emotional bonding during sex. It makes them quickly lose themselves, thinking they are in love.

Imagine feeling attached to someone who hasn’t told you what exactly you mean to them? Do you just go with what he wants because you are already caught in a loop and can’t help wanting to spend more time with him?

You start to want him and it usually makes it easy for the men. You just gave them what they need from a woman on a silver platter. You never challenged him to do anything to be with you or keep fucking you.

Who wouldn’t want that? You made it so easy and they got so comfortable. They get to have your company, attention and time with very little stress and because you’ve caught feelings, you’ll want to do nothing to push them away or get on their bad side. The worst part is, you don’t even know your place in their lives. You just keep hoping and praying and sometimes, though it is hard because you expect so much, you brace yourself with the fact that they make time for you and they do the bare minimum to make you feel special anytime you both are together.

Guys, that is no good place to be. Unless you are just tryna fuck and haven’t caught feelings and don’t plan on catching any, you shouldn’t wait for that to happen. It comes with too much stress and heartache.

He will lead you on! He will make you feel like you are rushing him and he will never feel the need to use a label. Bringing up labels rather puts some fear in him because he wonders how things will change with the label on it.

Will it come with the unnecessary drama associated with women in relationships?

Will it come with stress or responsibilities that he doesn’t feel he has the energy or time to fulfill or deal with?

These questions are one of the reasons why asking a man you’ve been seeing or having sex with, “What are we?” puts them off. It’s like being on a steady pace, staggering and going off balance. They will try so hard to get back on track by coming up with these hurtful and annoying excuses:

  • “I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m going through a lot at the moment, so I wouldn’t want to rush things and use labels right now but I care and want us to keep doing what we are doing.”
  • “Relationships come with too much stress and I’m in no place to deal with that”
  • “I’m not ready to be in anything serious right now and blah blah blah”

I know! You’ve heard something similar. Me too! And my stupid ass chose to go with it and get my heart broken. It has happened to the best of us but it doesn’t mean it is okay and it should keep happening.

There’s a need of define things on the onset.

If it’s friends with benefits or fuck buddies, decide on the onset. If it’s just sex on a few occasions on the onset. If it’s a relationship, decide on the onset.


Now for those of you who find themselves having sex too early, I’m not saying it’s wrong. Make sure to have the best time, let yourself go, communicate your needs, ride him like a pro and make the most of the moment. After that first time, make sure you don’t let it happen again till you are sure it’s just sex you want or until you’ve define things


Play the ignore card! Act like you expected it to be a one time thing or a night stand and you are moving on with your life. If it was just sex for him, he will let you be or he will come chasing you for another time because you were amazing the first time.

Don’t give in!

Play hard to get if you have to and if he still wants another chance, meet with him and ask him what exactly he wants from you. That is your chance to define things and whatever he picks should be the basis on which you decide whether to keep him or let him go. Just make sure that it is in line with what you want and you will be okay. You can’t be at the losing end.

Give him an ultimatum if you have to: anything to make sure you get what you want..

WAS THIS A GOOD ARTICLE? If you want to talk about anything this topic-related, comment or email me at amishikah@gmail.com and I’ll be quick to respond

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Ami Shikah is a Certified Sex Coach, clinical sexologist, and radio personality with an Advanced Postgraduate Diploma in Global Sexual and Reproductive Health Management. She loves anything and everything sex as long as it is consensual, pleasurable and free of any form of discrimination, harm or violence. On this blog, her aim is to promote sexual literacy, provide a source of arousal, and promote sexual wellness. If you need to talk to a sex professional about your sexual concerns or issues, she is the one to talk to. She can help you solve your sexual problems. She will help you have the most amazing sexual experiences and live the sex life of your dreams. Sex is a basic need and a natural part of who we are as human beings. Exercise your right to sexual pleasure today! Email her at amishikah@gmail.com for a complimentary sex coaching session.

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