aftercare (1)

AFTERCARE AND WHY IT’S IMPORTANT

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If you are kinky or familiar with BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism, and Masochism), you should know what aftercare means and why it is important. Most often than not, people would tell you that aftercare is only necessary during BDSM-related activities, but it’s not. All sexual activities require aftercare, especially because of the benefits it affords the partners and how intensive sex can be. 

Don’t worry if you don’t get the fuss about it; I will explain to you what exactly aftercare is, the many ways to go about it, and how beneficial it can be for you and your partner(s).

THE DEFINITION 

Aftercare is basically a period after a sexual session for pampering, nurturing, and for both partners to cool off. It should make both partners feel cared for; it should be soothing, calming, and comforting.

I mean, think about how emotionally and physically draining sex can be! Aftercare is to give both partners the chance to take care of each other and make sure you are both fine and in a sane/happy place. 

You wouldn’t want to have sex and have your partner go home with negative feelings about you. I know how that happens a lot but it can be prevented if you engage in aftercare. It helps you apologize for anything that might’ve gone wrong, talk about anything, and clear things up if your partner was mistaken about something that happened during the session. Even if you won’t want to have sex with the person again, aftercare is still important. 

BENEFITS OF AFTERCARE 

  • It Prevents Postcoital Dysphoria/Sadness/Post-Sex Blues

This is basically a feeling of sadness, upset, and agitation after sex. It can trigger depression, hatred, regret, and tears after a sexual encounter. Engaging in aftercare can be a great way to prevent that. 

  • It’s Great For Bonding 

There are times when you need that feeling of closeness after sex and aftercare gives you that. Sometimes, during sex, you might feel a little disconnected, and in such cases, aftercare helps you feel like you are back in that close place with your partner. It helps you feel like you still matter, you are important, you are loved and you are not alone. 

  • It Gives Pleasure And Intimacy After Sex 

Sex shouldn’t be the only way to get pleasure and intimacy. During aftercare, you can easily get pleasure and intimacy. 

WAYS TO GO ABOUT AFTERCARE

Aftercare isn’t the same for everybody because we are all different, and the things we need to feel cared for definitely vary. Nonetheless, in general, aftercare should involve being affectionate, communicating, talking about the experience, discussing how you feel generally, discussing your emotions, the pleasure, discomfort, any boundaries crossed, what you might not have liked, what you wished was done differently and making sure that both of you are in a positive mental state. 

Like I said earlier, it should make you feel cared for and appreciated. So, to figure the best way to go about it, find out from your partner what makes them feel cared for or what they like to do during aftercare. If they can’t answer or they aren’t sure, try out what I’ve listed below, talk about how they make you feel, and stick with what works best for you and your partner. 

In some cases, a partner might request for specific things that might seem odd because they aren’t listed here but whatever it might be, if it’s what they need to calm down and it wouldn’t affect you negatively or put you in danger, it’s important for you to be open to exploring it. I mean, if it will help them feel better and happy, why shouldn’t you do it? You might love it! So far as it will work to make you and your partner feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, go ahead and do it. 

Here are 20 ways to go about aftercare:

  1. Cuddling
  2. Showering together or giving your partner a bath
  3. Washing their hair
  4. Snuggling
  5. A massage 
  6. Back/butt rubs 
  7. Stroking each other’s hair 
  8. Brushing their hair 
  9. Lingering kisses 
  10. Pillow-talk 
  11. Reading to your partner 
  12. Watching a movie or TV show together, and letting your partner choose what they want to watch
  13. Reassuring words & Comforting/soothing words: call her a good girl and say the things they love to hear
  14. Just talking and being honest about how you feel 
  15. Ordering pizza or getting your/their comfort food and eating together (chicken, chocolate)
  16. Getting them water or making them tea
  17. Singing to them 
  18. Taking a walk together 
  19. Meditating
  20. Tending to each other’s wounds and/or bruises

If what works for you wasn’t mentioned, let me know in the comments. You might never know who else might find it useful or who else likes that too!

WHEN IS AFTERCARE MANDATORY AND WHY?

I already mentioned that aftercare is necessary during all sexual activities. It doesn’t have to be just BDSM! 

  • After Rough/Hard Sex and BDSM

Aftercare is mandatory for rough/hard sex and BDSM. Think about how physically and emotionally draining rough sex can be. Unless you both pass out after the session, you don’t roll over to one side of the bed and sleep after rough sex without tending to your partner emotionally and physically. What if they got hurt? What if they feel sore? What if they are unhappy? What if their emotions are all over the place and they need to be calmed down. Don’t take aftercare for granted!

  • When You Try Out Something New 

It could be a kink, new sex positions, anal sex, or anything. When you try out something new, it’s very important to have that moment after to discuss what you did and how you both feel about it. If you both enjoyed it, great! Then you can just spend the time in that cozy, comfortable, nurturing place and feel appreciated. If something went wrong, or there was discomfort or pain, it should be discussed and you can talk about whether to not repeat the act again or find better ways to go about it next time. So, the next time you try something new with a partner, make sure you make aftercare a part of it. 

  • After Sex With A New Partner 

After sex with a new partner, whether you feel like it was ‘bomb’ or not, it’s great to spare some time for aftercare. It’s your first time with the person, and you definitely cannot know someone completely when you have sex with them the first time, so it’s essential for you to have that moment to talk about the experience. In some cases, people shy away from talking about the just-ended session, hence you can just do anything that can make them comfortable and put them in the right mental and physical state.

  • After Cuckolding 

Intense cuckolding involves you sitting back or getting tied up and being humiliated while you watch someone else have sex with your partner. It could be someone else with more attractive features than you have and they rub that in your face during the session to humiliate you. If it is your thing and you have a session like that, aftercare is mandatory. It’s important because no matter how much it turned you on or how much you loved the session, that intimate, pampering moment with your partner helps you mentally to feel like they are still yours. It’s a great way to reclaim your partner and still feel connected to them.

IS AFTERCARE THAT DEEP?? (TIED TO EMOTIONS)

There’ve been so many occasions when I had sex and wished I could talk to the person after, or wanted aftercare not because I was in love with them but because I needed it for my mental and physical health. In such cases, I either wanted to cuddle or shower together or I wanted to talk while cuddling. Others might think it’s very deep to do all that, but I’ve wanted aftercare with people I was in ‘fuck buddy’ situations with when there were no emotions involved and what we were doing was completely physical. I’ve wanted aftercare with people I wasn’t trying to have sex with again (one-time flings), so it’s not that deep. 

I felt like sharing that to help you understand that aftercare shouldn’t always be tied to emotions or serious situations. You can have that with people you are casual with and it will be great so far as you have defined the relationship and you are both on the same page. 

If you easily get attached and aftercare will get your emotions involved, you don’t have to engage in it. It will be safe to let your partner know though. 

If aftercare was previously not your thing, I hope you make it your thing now. Talk to your partner and don’t just roll over and sleep after sex. Also, don’t just ask your partner to leave after cumming during sex, and don’t just take your phone and order an Uber for them when you haven’t done any form of aftercare. Don’t make them feel like you can’t stand their presence when the sex is over. It’s rude!

Let me know what you think about this article in the comments. If you have any questions, go ahead and ask in the comments and I will answer immediately. Also, share your stories with me. You can use the live chat option (red and white circle on your screen) and we can talk via email. 

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MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE, WRITER, SEX AND RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

Ami Shikah is a sex educator and mental health advocate. She is passionate about sex education and is working towards making her website/blog a place where people come to for knowledge and information that will help them make healthy decisions about sex and sexuality. Mental health isn't treated with much importance in her part of the world (Ghana, Africa) and as someone who has had to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, she hopes to share her experiences with the world and help other people like her. She has in-depth knowledge about sex, sexual health, sexuality, vaginal health, pregnancy and abortion and is working to share it all with the world. She has also made it possible for people to ask questions and get answers to them anytime.

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