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I KEEP GOING BACK TO MY ABUSER: WHAT RAPE DOES TO YOU

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There is this thing about sexual abuse or rape: loss of control and dominance over the victim. If you are the typical strong and ambitious woman who loves to exercise control in everything you do, it will break you down or let me use the right words: it will mess you up. Losing that physical fight or feeling overpowered or weakened by a man or men who go ahead to take advantage of you, who go ahead to have coitus with you, not once, not twice but more times can mess you up in ways you never dreamt was possible.

And you know what happens when they finally win the, “no I don’t want to have sex with you. Let go of me, leave me alone, I want to go home please” fight? You just lie there bare. You just give up on everything you ever stood for, everything you once believed in and you let them do whatever they can or deem fit to your body. More like, “what can come can come.”

Non-victims of rape will never understand how psychologically damaging that is. I love to believe that it is easier when the abuser is a stranger you will go ahead to hate forever, someone you will wish was dead, someone who won’t be in your life or who won’t be seen again because if not, it might mark the beginning of a huge downfall in your life especially if you don’t get the help or therapy you so desperately need.

I will explain why

I already mentioned the loss of control and dominance it gives the abuser over the victim. You are weakened and you feel overpowered by the sight of him or them. That dreadful moment is imprinted on your brain and once they are in sight or the minute they come in mind, you lose it and you let them take charge and win. So imagine if this person is someone you are already talking to or had feelings for. Imagine if he or she is someone you are already in a relationship with. Imagine if he or she is someone you are married to. Imagine if he or she is a parent, relative or someone close to your family. Imagine if you are still going to be seeing him.

First, for someone who was once so strong and liked being in control of every aspect of your life, you try so hard to erase everything that happened from your memory. You believe you are strong and you want to move past it. You refuse to think about it because it was way too unpleasant and makes you feel so miserable. You try to focus on every other thing but that moment and imagine if that same person refuses to stay away and comes back into your life bearing gifts or other things that you already seek pleasure from. Imagine if you are already a hedonist and that part of you is ignited by whatever they do for you that feels good and you get lost in it because you are hoping the good will erase the bad and already you have no control in the presence of him. Imagine that.

You become their puppet and you will keep going back for more!

Maybe the sex was good after you lost the fight. You choose to think about that instead of the part where he abused you. It’s easier actually. You don’t get to feel miserable and hate yourself for being too weak and stupid or dumb to have put yourself in that situation. You don’t want to dwell on that negative part and you refuse to face it, so it stays buried in your memories like an open wound waiting to heal. In the quest of focusing on the good side, how nice the sex was or the good things you already liked about him, you go back to him for more and you love it.

You know what’s worse? They might treat you badly and make you do things you would never do in the past and though sometimes you might try to end things and stay away because it’s just not right, you won’t be able to. How do you say no to him? How do you resist someone who already controls you mentally and the sight of him makes your knees weak? How?

It is mental enslavement. It’s the reason why some victims of abuse keep going back to their abusers. It is worse when the abusers refuse to let you go. They want to keep you around. They need you in their lives and they know they have you for life. No matter what they do or how bad they mess up, they know the exact button to press to have you running back into the their arms and you will keep making excuses for them.

I don’t think you get where I’m coming from. I don’t expect you to. It is sick okay. You tend to have no willpower when the abuser is around. You yield and give in to whatever they want or ask for because you just can’t say no. You just can’t fight them and the only time you tried to, they won and they took advantage of you and defiled your body.

Now do you get where I’m coming from?

Rape or sexual abuse can make you hate or feel disgusted by your own body. You run to the bathroom to scrub and scrape off every touch of theirs. You feel beaten by the memories and it might change you. You might hate men, dress differently and try to cover up every part of your body from then on, so that no one will be attracted to you enough to want to sleep with you or take advantage of you. Memories of that moment make you think that once the person or people were able to take advantage of you, any other person can, if they want to, and you take measures to prevent that. Measures you feel will work to make you less attractive to men.

It might kill your sex drive and affect your sex life. You might find it so hard to open up to anyone again. Imagine making out with a new partner and the minute they touch you, you remember your abuser touching you. You remember how bad it was and how much you hated it, so you push your partner away because you can’t let them go ahead. You can’t let them make you feel the way your abuser made you feel.

Some victims might end up finding that particular gender unattractive. For a woman, you won’t be able to stand the thought of making out with men and because you still have needs and a part of you still craves love and affection, you gravitate towards other women. At least no woman will make you feel the way your abuser made you feel or so you think.

I really hope you are getting where I’m coming from.

Now let me talk about the victims who become nymphomaniacs. Sex is nice! Sex is pleasurable and though you were abused, the sex still felt good in a way. So like I already mentioned, you focus on that- the pleasurable bit. You go looking for more or you find yourself feeling weakened or unable to say no to men’s request to have sex with you.

Remembering what happened when you said no to the abuser makes you scared to say no to any other man. So anytime you get advances, you do the needful. You make it easy. They touch you and you melt. You show no signs of resistance. You let them think you are “easy” but do you care? NO! You let men know you want the sex as much as they do and you let yourself get lost in the moment and enjoy every bit of it. You believe it’s easier that way. It’s easier than having to face that open wound from the past that you left unhealed.

It makes you love sex so much. It becomes your poison, your hobby and the least chance you get, you have it. The least thing that reminds you of the abuse can push you into the arms of a man to take your mind off it. It will make your body want sex too much and the more you have, the more you want it. Until you get help, you might never be able to quench that insatiable need for sex.

This is what rape or sexual abuse can do to you. It is the reason why we hate rapists and guess what? Majority of abusers get to get away with it.

I’ve said enough, I just hope you get it

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MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE, WRITER, SEX AND RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

Ami Shikah is a sex educator and mental health advocate. She is passionate about sex education and is working towards making her website/blog a place where people come to for knowledge and information that will help them make healthy decisions about sex and sexuality. Mental health isn't treated with much importance in her part of the world (Ghana, Africa) and as someone who has had to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, she hopes to share her experiences with the world and help other people like her. She has in-depth knowledge about sex, sexual health, sexuality, vaginal health, pregnancy and abortion and is working to share it all with the world. She has also made it possible for people to ask questions and get answers to them anytime.

3 Comments

  1. Very relatable
    Thanks for this

  2. Hmmm I now understand y I can't resist any guy when they ask for sex😑😣

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