deflowering

DEFLOWERING/FIRST-TIME SEX WITH VIRGINS: TIPS FOR FUN, PLEASURE & NO PAIN

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We’ve all been virgins at a point in our lives! How was your first time? If you are a heterosexual man reading this, have you ever had sex with a virgin? How was/were the experience(s) like?

So many women tend to try penile-vaginal penetration a number of times before the penis finally goes in to break their hymen. Others had a pretty painful first experience that has made them think of sex as overrated/unenjoyable and the rest who were fortunate enough to know their way around it/had very experienced partners had a great time. Every virgin deserves the latter! 

For men, I know of many who hate the idea of having sex with virgins because they once had a pretty bad experience, and others would rather not want to deal with the fear, pain, and blood that could come with it. There’ve been instances where virgins who liked such men were told to let someone else have sex with them to ‘break their virginity’ before coming to them for sex. That’s how bad it can be! Honestly, I understand the attitude that such men have towards the idea of deflowering a woman but if she is not underage and she’s given consent, is that how it’s supposed to be? 

I also know women who are scared of ‘first-time sex’ because they fear that it might hurt too bad and they’d rather abstain than endure so much pain because of sex. I mean, how long can you go without sex until you get to a point when you have to because you are ready or you feel the time is right? 

First-time sex for women can be a fun and pleasurable experience! The only issues are ignorance and the unwillingness of people to learn or find out the right way to go about having first-time sex if you are a virgin or first-time sex with a virgin. Another issue is the unpreparedness of virgins, the anxiety, and the pressure to have sex because everybody else is having it. I honestly wish that this particular topic would be covered in Sex-Ed classes worldwide, but in my part of the world, we don’t get that.

So, in this post, I will delve into that and show you how to prepare for your first-time sex if you are a virgin (women). I will also show you how to go about having sex with a virgin for a fun and pleasurable experience with no discomfort/pain. 

There are several definitions of sex but this article focuses on first-time penis-in-vagina sex. If you want to learn about first-time anal sex and how to prepare for a pleasurable experience with no shit getting involved, CLICK HERE

PREPARATION TOWARDS YOUR FIRST-TIME SEX/SEX WITH A VIRGIN

Let me start by sharing my personal experience with being a virgin and trying to have sex. In my first relationship, we were both virgins; all we did was kiss and I would have my breasts fondled. I never craved sex, I’d never been fingered and I’d never been curious about how my vagina functioned sexually. I mean, there are several other virgins like that out there presently. 

At the time, there was very little sexual chemistry between my then-boyfriend and me, and our relationship was on the rocks. I also had no plans of having sex with him because I never felt like it, but guess what? One night, he asked me to come over and I did. Then, he asked us to go to his balcony, he sat on a chair, pulled out his erect penis, and asked me to sit on it. 

Look! There was literally no foreplay, my vagina was dry and not ready to be penetrated, and mentally, I wasn’t ready. I was also naïve enough to just take off my shorts and I tried to sit on his erection but it wouldn’t go in. It felt like my vagina was sealed and after a minute or less, someone knocked on the door and we had to abort the mission. You should’ve seen how mad I was at myself for letting him control me like that, especially when I knew I wasn’t ready to have sex with anybody. You should’ve also seen how glad I was that his penis didn’t go in. I’m still glad it didn’t! 

Why did I share that story?

I just need you to understand why there’s a need for preparation before you ever try to have penetrative sex (if you are a virgin or if you ever try to have penetrative sex with a virgin).

Truth is, if we hadn’t been interrupted by the knock, the boyfriend would’ve forced his way in because he looked like he really wanted to have sex with me that night. Thankfully, we broke things off before we got the chance to try again and I had my first sex the next year with no pain or discomfort. The penis just went in, so many times and I didn’t even breathe a word to the man I was having sex with that I was a virgin. It was because I’d learned a lot about sex and my body and I was ready to have penetrative sex. 

PREPARING FOR A DEFLOWERING SESSION

  • COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

Whether you are the woman who is a virgin, a man who is also a virgin, or a man who is going to have sex with a virgin, you need to understand the need to communicate with the person you are trying to have sex with. Let them know your concerns, let them know you want to be well-prepared, and let them know how they can help you prepare for that first-time sex. Once you do, you can go ahead and follow my preparation guidelines. 

If you can’t have an honest conversation with your partner about the need to prepare, you have no business having your first-time sex with them.

WOMEN: 

All kinds of penetrative sex (anal and vaginal) require the right amount of preparation before you try to venture into it. A vagina can be very tight; it can only be penetrated when it is relaxed enough and well-lubricated. She (the vagina) needs time to adapt to having things going inside her before a penile penetration for the best first-time sex experience.

TIPS: 

  • Get To Know How Your Vagina Works Sexually 

I don’t care what your beliefs regarding masturbation are, if you want a great first-time experience, you need to get familiar with your own body sexually. You need to get to know your vagina, insert your finger in your vagina and try to understand how a penis can fit into her before you try to let a man have sex with you. 

It is very important! So, if you feel like you are ready (you know what you need to know about sex, STI’s and pregnancy prevention) and you want to give sex a try, go ahead and do exactly as I say

  • Look At Yourself In The Mirror

This is what you can do! When you are alone in your room, wash your hands, lie on your bed, and look at your vagina in the mirror. 

Just like this image, you have a vulva (which consists of everything you can see in the mirror- clitoris, labia, urethral opening, and the vaginal opening (the hole/vagina)). Touching your clitoris the right way or applying light pressure to it can give you pleasure and orgasms. Note that! You can try to touch yourself and get to know the right way to stimulate your clit for pleasure by googling, ‘how to touch myself for pleasure’ or listen to my podcast, ‘Making Myself Cum’ to learn how to go about it.

  • Fingering 

Like I said, your vagina needs to adapt to having things inserted in her, and fingering yourself is the first step to getting that done. Insert your finger in there and feel how tight she is. The more you finger yourself, the easier it is for your vagina to grow accustomed to being penetrated with something. 

  • Make use of porn 

For someone who is trying to have sex, watching porn shouldn’t be a strange idea to you. Try to watch some videos that make you feel nice down there and touch your vulva to see if you are wet. If you are, finger yourself for a while and let yourself have a good time. 

You need to start by using one finger for some time and after a while, you can use two fingers! Get used to playing with your clit for pleasure too!

  • Get a sex toy 

Getting a sex toy as a virgin is a great thing anyone can do to prepare her vagina for penile penetration. You can either use it with your partner or use it on yourself until you are confident enough that you are ready for penis-in-vagina sex. You can get a beginner vibrator or a cute dildo, finger yourself and insert the toy inside you for a week or more till you finally decide that you are ready for a hard penis to go inside you. This can make you have very little or no anxiety when the time comes and you can have a great time!

MEN:

Don’t rush to penetrate a virgin partner! You need to ask the necessary questions and make sure she is ready to have her first-time sex before you do. So many women are usually scared and instead of their partners being patient and helping them get over the fear the right way, they desperately try to convince her to say yes. They usually just end up putting the women through a painful and uncomfortable experience. If you were thinking of doing that to someone, DON’T! 

Virgins should be treated as delicate with regards to penetrative sex because a virgin vagina can be the hardest to get into. After getting consent, you need to talk to her about getting to know her body on her own before she lets you have sex with her. 

Let her read this article or tell her exactly what I asked women to do before their first time. Don’t rush it! Give her time to be able to practice fingering, touching, and insertion of toys in her vagina before you start anything of the sort with her. 

BEFORE THE D-DAY

MEN! Right after getting her to masturbate on her own, you can move to kissing and doing every other thing (but penetrative sex) for some time before you decide to insert your penis in her vagina. If you care enough, you can use some days before the D-day for that. 

Daily, you can kiss, talk, kiss, and play with her breasts, eat her out and finger her, but don’t penetrate her. If you are good, you can make her cum from head or fingering. She can also make you cum from head or a hand job and you will leave her with so much sexual tension that will contribute to her having the best time on the D-day. 

If you really want a good time for your partner’s first-time sex, you will do exactly as I say. 

WOMEN! Get your man to do every other thing but sex with you days before the D-day. Once again, if you can’t communicate that with a partner, you have no business having sex with them. 

TIPS FOR THE D-DAY

  • USE A CONDOM!

You wouldn’t want to get pregnant right after breaking your virginity. Unless you are ready, you don’t have to risk it, so use a condom. A condom will also prevent transmission of STI’s especially when you don’t know your partner’s STI history and you haven’t seen their STI results to confirm that they are clean. Be mindful of that!  

  • DO LOTS OF FOREPLAY! 

Virgins are known experts of foreplay, so this shouldn’t be hard! Days, weeks, or years leading to the day you finally have penetrative sex, virgins usually just kiss, get fingered, get/give head and fondle each other. On the D-day, do that for like 30 minutes or more. You don’t need to be impatient.

Once you start having sex, there’s no going back, so how about making your/her first-time fun? 

You can watch a movie/show on Netflix, drink or just vibe while doing all kinds of foreplay. If you are a man reading this, finger her vagina that’s already used to getting fingered. Get her wet, eat her out, finger her alongside, go back to kissing her, go back to eating her out and finger her with two fingers. 

If you are a woman/girl reading this, make sure your partner does exactly that and make sure you are extremely wet before he penetrates you. You can check by touching your vagina and you will know if you are wet. 

TIME FOR PENETRATION- GO SLOWLY

After making sure she is extremely wet, she can lie on her back and you can be on top of her in the missionary position. Kiss her first and let it be intense while you finger her. While kissing her, bend your waist lower and let your hard penis make its way into her vagina SLOWLY. Go in slowly and pay attention to her to make sure that she is fine and comfortable. You can ask her if she is alright and if she tells you that she is fine, you can go ahead to give her slow strokes until you have to go fast. 

If you are a woman reading this, lie on your back and tell him to kiss you and do exactly what I said above.  

If a woman is well-prepared before the sex happens, she should have a great experience with very little discomfort and no pain. 

GET A SAFEWORD 

Having a safeword during sex makes communication easier with regard to pain, pleasure, and discomfort. So, get one before that first-time sex if you are a virgin or you are going to have sex with a virgin.

It should make communication easier and make the woman more relaxed knowing that, if anything is to go wrong, they have a word to mention to give you a cue to stop. When you stop, you can choose to switch to foreplay and try penetration some other day. 

Here’s what I always say on this blog: Use RED for when you want your partner to stop because you are in pain or uncomfortable, use YELLOW for when you want them to take it easy so that it doesn’t get uncomfortable and use GREEN for when you want them to keep going because you are comfortable and having a good time (especially when they are checking in to make sure you are okay)

IF YOU EVER FEEL THE NEED TO STOP, STOP!

This is essentially why you need a safeword so that when you feel uncomfortable or you decide you can’t go on, you stop and try again some other time. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to and your partner should be able to understand that. If you say stop and they choose to go ahead against your wishes, it becomes rape. Note that!

LUBRICANTS

The vagina always needs to be extremely wet before and during penetrative sex, so it will do you so much good to have a lubricant on standby. A lot of it can be used during sex when the vagina isn’t as lubricated as it was in the beginning. Don’t try to use just that in the beginning when she is dry… get her wet with foreplay like I said! 

Also, don’t use an oil-based lube if you are using a condom. Oil easily breaks condoms, so stick to water-based lubricants or silicone-based lubricants and natural vaginal lubrication.

WHAT IF THERE’S BLOOD? 

Truth is, not every woman bleeds when they have sex the first time. I don’t recall bleeding and some other women didn’t bleed too. This isn’t to say that some women don’t bleed. It could happen and if it does, you need to wash your bedspread, clean up and move on with your life. 

If you are a man, help her clean up right after and calm her nerves. The right preparation before first-time sex rightfully prepares a woman for this experience, so just focus on what I said you should do to prepare. 

ORGASMS

Look! So many women aren’t lucky enough to get orgasms during their first-time. They get pain or discomfort, so usually, all that some women look out for is no pain. They just want to have a pleasurable experience and very few people look forward to having an orgasm. 

Actively preparing for your first-time intercourse, masturbating/touching yourself for pleasure can make it easy for you to get your first orgasm before that first-time sex. Once that happens, you can guide your partner and it will be easier to have an orgasm when you ‘break your virginity’.

Once again, preparation is very important!

SEX POSITIONS TO GO FOR

  • 69 during foreplay
  • Missionary
  • Doggy Style 
  • Cowgirl 

After that first-time sex, you can explore several other sex positions. There are easy-level positions, middle-level positions, and hard-level positions. I have articles about them on this blog, so find them by clicking the links here (EASY, MIDDLE, HARD). 

IT GETS BETTER!

Whether your first time is pleasurable or not, it can always get better. It’s just like any skill you learn. With time, you can be so great at it if you keep learning about it and practicing it. If you are a woman reading this, read a lot, and learn how to work towards getting orgasms during sex. Don’t leave it in the hands of men because most men just focus on getting theirs. Know how to get them to help you get your orgasm!

You can learn by listening to sex podcasts that are hosted by women who talk about their pleasure and experiences (Listen to mine here)

If you are a virgin reading this, have you ever wondered whether you are ready for sex? Have you wondered what the right time is for anyone to start having sex or break their virginity? In my next post, I will delve into that, so subscribe if you haven’t!

Just click on the RED, SUBSCRIBE LINK on your screen! Send your questions, dilemmas, and sex-related problems to me via the live chat icon on your screen (red and white circle). You can also ask questions by typing in the comments and I will reply as soon as possible.

TAKE CARE!

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MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE, WRITER, SEX AND RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

Ami Shikah is a sex educator and mental health advocate. She is passionate about sex education and is working towards making her website/blog a place where people come to for knowledge and information that will help them make healthy decisions about sex and sexuality. Mental health isn't treated with much importance in her part of the world (Ghana, Africa) and as someone who has had to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, she hopes to share her experiences with the world and help other people like her. She has in-depth knowledge about sex, sexual health, sexuality, vaginal health, pregnancy and abortion and is working to share it all with the world. She has also made it possible for people to ask questions and get answers to them anytime.

2 Comments

  1. It was a good read
    I love the sex styles 😂😂😂😂😂💦

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